Twinning in the Insecure Attachment Dance.

If we are eternally looking for the eyes of our mother through the eyes of each new partner, we may twin in order to capture attention.

A child who realises that their parent is self absorbed and needs validation and adulation, learns to attune to their parent in order to survive. The child learns to become what the parent needs, and provides it.

Later in life, this child becomes an adult who uses this attunement to win others. This is someone who knows how to bend the self to please, who knows how to mirror for others what looks most appealing and attractive. Often this is the seductive pattern of the dismissive avoidant.

Ih the attachment dance, the avoidant will often twin with a potential partner and become a perfect version of what is desired. This attunement began as a pattern many years ago, when the small child learnt to track the mother's needs and desires so that the child could stay cared for and noticed.

In the recovery process, the dismisssive avoidant has to give up this twinning to win adulation. The perfected self has to be set aside. This is an exceptionally painful process. Held within twinning is the pain of a tiny child who was not loved for who they were, but for what they could do. The grief is an agony, and yet it heals this attachment wounding. The mother's eyes may not have been filled with the love that the child needed, but once this pain of not being seen is felt and integrated, the avoidant can let go of seeking validation in another's eyes.