If we have not been looked at with enough attunement, how do we heal this? How do we soothe a deep ache for attention and a longing for affirmation from others?
The process is a painful one. We must excavate childhood and search out the moments where we were not met, not seen, and felt worthless. There are no shortcuts here, although some modalities would suggest that thinking our way out of pain is enough, and that feelings can be circumnavigated. If only this were true. Healing would be a faster, simpler process if it were as simple as imagining ourselves well. There are some wounds that need tending to that can't be reframed, and a wounding around a lack of attunement, is one of them.
We must wrestle with the past to make peace with it. If we attempt to avoid what we felt, we never reach what sets us free - reckoning with what truly happened to us, and realising that we survived it and can thrive with it as part of what we are.
As we go through this, there are things we can do to support ourselves. There is healing in being looked at with kindness and consideration. In therapy, your therapist can sit with you and meet your eyes. You do not have to use a wall of words to avoid the intimacy of connection in a session. Nor do you have to explain what happened, and why. You can simply sit, and stare into the eyes of another person who knows you.
This is not easy. Conversation falls away, shame surfaces, fear and anger. The primal emotions that we seek to avoid, even in session, by describing our history. They all surface as our stories loosen their grip. What is left is who we are and what we are in relationship. This is Gestalt immediacy. Fritz Perls knew that all we need is the present moment to heal, and this work cuts through all artifice.
What is left is what we sought as a baby as we drank in the eyes of those who cared for us. To be understood, to be known, to be seen as we fully are.
Comments